Sunday, 31 July 2016

JODOH

Assalamualaikum.

Nak cakap pasal jodoh malam malam begini. Sambil makan nugget oh makk naik 1kg la besok niiii TT Aku bukan ape, dok rasa satu maciam bila tengok kawan-kawan semua dah kahwin, tetiba fikir pasal diri sendiri pulak malam ni. Apekah nasib diriku ni nanti. Ada baik ka nanti? Atau buruk ka?

Aku...jarang la fikir pasal benda ni secara deep since relationship yang terakhir tu berakhir. Sangat sangat jarang, memang boleh dikira dengan jari. Honestly I tell you, I'm not interested or keen to have another one. I'm more interested in korean dramas, kpop, etc (apeni ajumma kpop ni??).Yang memang takde kaitan langsung dengan perasaan atau relationship. Tak tipulah yang memang pernah terfikir nak mula fresh dengan someone, berkawan, pastu kahwin. Pasts are pasts, future will still come to me so nak stuck sampai tak bergerak ke depan tu, sampai bila kan?

The thing is, things aren't simple.

Orang lain asyik tanya, weh bila nak kahwin? Sanak saudara mula tanya, hint, dropping the bomb. Mula mula tak kisah, alah biasalah umur dah banyak ni, orang concern kan. Tapi lama lama tu, rasa sesak pun ada. Tambah lagi kawan ramai dah kahwin, the reality starts to hit me medium hard. So I start to joke about it whenever I'm with my friends. Bad joke lah kut hahaha. Mungkin dengar macam aku desperate bila aku keluarkan joke sebegitu (sometimes my sanity says I sound like one), but the truth is I'm trying to make myself feel better. And it works, oddly. After telling such bad jokes, I went home without feeling anything. Tak fikir lagi. Numb lah kiranya.

Yes, the right word is numb.

After sorting out my life (still a work in progress), I learnt that my feelings matter the most. Sebab pada aku lah kan, aku sendiri yang bertanggungjawab atas perasaan atau kegembiraan aku. Bukan orang lain. Not even my friends. Kuasa veto di tangan aku, I choose, sebab tu tak kisah dah ape orang fikir pasal aku lately ni. I tak baik, it's fine, I can improve but because I want to. I tak pandai hal rumahtangga then orang rasa bukan wife material, nah, no hal boleh belajar but because I want to. However, what I feel about a guy, matters alot to me. Satu benda ni je yang matter. Nak kahwin, biarlah dengan orang yang ngam dengan kita. Yang click dengan kita. Click macam kunci dan mangga, bila ko unlock mangga dengan kunci, dia akan bukak kan. Macam tulah ngam yang aku harapkan. Plus, mestilah ada kriteria yang lain which is..rahsia. Bahaa.

People don't know, that I am just bad at having a relationship. So so bad. Tengok perenggan atas pun, boleh tahu I have this selfish trait. I hurt people, people hurt me. But nope, that's not where I'm going now. I've sealed them in a box. With the tag 'Open If You Wish To Die'. Pastu ada explosives atas box tu. Gila ennn.

Well. Gila is good. Gila protects me. Gila helps me to survive the harshness of life. I'm just glad that I have this nature in me. It's hereditary. From my mak. She was..a bit crazy in her younger years. Even I was shocked hearing her stories last raya hahaha.

Back to the story of jodoh. Don't get me wrong. I want to get married, bukan tak nak. I want to give the chubbiest grandchildren to my parents. I envy people for having a good relationship (tho nampak dari luaran, kita husnuzon jelah senang cerita, yang pasangan terbabit memang bahagia sungguh. Bukan sekadar nak show off), whether  suami isteri atau gf bf. But there's something stopping me from going forward, from searching my own jodoh. Arghh aku pun stress lah apeni nak stop stop orang ni. Tapi orang kata, pengalaman mengajar kita. Betullah tu. I've learnt so much from my experience until there are things that I don't wish myself to repeat. If I do, I'd be a dumb dumb. Rasanya itulah yang buat otak aku ni fikir, oh no Yam, just don't do it again. You will fall. Ah! That eureka moment! I know the right word again!! It's Afraid.


Takpelah, ada hikmah lah semua ni, aku pasti. At least lah kan, ada masa untuk aku buat self-appreciating session. See? Positive is the key. Takde benda yang statik, hidup mesti berubah punya. I'm certain of that. Semoga terbuka hati ni bila datang waktunya. Guys, doakan aku.




P/s: This is a post that comes from heart, sebab tak ambik masa yang lama untuk complete.


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